I'm a big fan of equality and queerness and challenging dominant culture through being yourself. However, being open-minded doesn't prevent me from having to process the hell out of stuff that's way out of my comfort zone. The following is an amusing excerpt from my 30-page final paper for a gender and women's studies class I took in college.
Last year while I was home from college for fall break, I had a small gathering of friends at my house. My best friend approached me surreptitiously while her partner wasn’t paying attention (at the time, this was an private issue within their relationship). She was a little tipsy.
She may or may not have been visibly trembling with excitement.
Granted, she didn’t actually float up into the air or shout (especially seeing as she was fairly hush-hush about the whole thing at first), but she might as well have for the effect it had on me.
Non-monogamy. Like, group relationships. What. Inside, I was thinking, “holy shit, what is this going to mean for our friendship?” I suddenly envisioned myself visiting my friend in the future at some weird polyamorous commune where everyone was naked and grew vegetables in the front yard.
After getting more information about the whole situation from my friend in a more private setting (the crowded rock wall room at a YMCA where she worked as a belayer), I approached her partner to see how ze felt about the whole situation.
How did they end up? That's a story for another day.
It took me a good two days to really process all my thoughts and feelings on the matter. In the end, I realized how I wasn't truly accepting of non-monogamy as a legitimate identity. It was just a weird “fringe” lifestyle that you mostly heard about in movies. Also, as evidenced by my drawing above, I had a lot of biases about non-monogamy, namely:
Non-monogamy stereotypes
brief life phases
communes
group sex
hippies
weird religious cults
butternut squash
Non-monogamy is totally legit. Stereotypes are not.
So over it.
you know, i want more from this entry. it's not as thoughtfully constructed as your arguments usually are. not that it's wrong - it's just missing a few pieces of the puzzle. plus, i feel bad for your friend's partner - a polyamorous relationship needs to be completely consensual on both ends, and it sounds like they didn't feel the same way about exploring polyamory. that's fine, it's not for everybody - just like monogomy isn't for everybody. but what ended up happening? i feel like a relationship where one person is polyamorous and one is monogamous is a little bit doomed, only because the goals in the relationship are completely different. expecting to get all of your needs fulfilled by someone who is looking to get their needs fulfilled by many people seems like a situation that can get volatile and filled with jealousy/misunderstanding pretty quickly. as someone who subscribes to the "happily ever after with a kid" brand of monogamy, i know that i would never be able to "share" - i'm pretty devoted to ONE person, perhaps sometimes to a fault, but still. could i make it work with someone who wanted to see other people? no. i would consider that a deal-breaker. with polyamory, it's not NECESSARILY about falling in love with everybody and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them - indeed, i'm pretty sure it's not expected at all. i might be wrong about that, i don't know - i'm not a part of that particular community and so i really shouldn't make any definitive statements about what i am mostly unfamiliar with.
ReplyDeletei'd encourage you to read something like http://polytripod.blogspot.com/?zx=2ab4367192ec10bb this blog (googled polyamory, i'm sure there are other good blogs too) for a more personalized account of what successfully navigating polyamory looks like, because you're right - it's just as legitimate as monogamy.
and butternut squash is awesome! bahaha.
Totally agree. I don't think I could ever see myself involved in a poly/non-monog relationship but having gotten to be good friends with someone who's bi-poly I feel like she's taught me that just because something isn't for you doesn't mean it's wrong or should be looked down on. Everyone's experience is totally different and no one should have the power to determine what goes on under your sheets as long as everyone consents. :)
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