Hello, devoted readers (all four of you) - this is my first
blog post in several months. My apologies for going off the blog for so long.
I’ve had quite a busy summer.
I come to you today to share some short vignettes (fifteen,
to be precise) of people you meet in clubs.
Without further ado –
1. The Bro
The Bro, usually with crusty hair spikes
and a too-tight polo, is a club mainstay. Can sometimes appear alone but
usually travels in groups. Bros can be straight, bi, or gay, but are usually
white. They’re loud and obnoxious (befitting for their future careers as
doctors, lawyers, and business executives) as they awkwardly maneuver around
the bar, trying to get phone numbers, more booze, and as much attention as
possible. Female versions of Bros are not uncommon in gay bars – the sideways
Lids hat and baggy cargo shorts are a dead giveaway. If left alone for a while,
Bros will sometimes transform into the Wannabe Stripper or the Drunk Mess.
2.
The Older Person Partying like it’s 1975
This classic is usually a scene of pity in the club. Dead drunk, wearing a mish-mash outfit that is just off-center of current fashion, this person is someone’s mom or dad living through their offspring extra-vicariously. Far removed from the other older folks in the club (who manage to mingle, drink, and dance without looking like total asshats), the OPPLI-75 are a generation upon themselves.
This classic is usually a scene of pity in the club. Dead drunk, wearing a mish-mash outfit that is just off-center of current fashion, this person is someone’s mom or dad living through their offspring extra-vicariously. Far removed from the other older folks in the club (who manage to mingle, drink, and dance without looking like total asshats), the OPPLI-75 are a generation upon themselves.
Fig. 1 - The Older Person Partying like it's 1975 trying to cheers you.
3.
The Cougar/Manther
A cousin of the OPPLI-75, the Cougar (or in her male form, the Manther) stalks through the club, looking for unsuspecting young’uns to devour. Cougars are usually heterosexual women while Manthers are typically gay or bi men. They can usually be seen in the dark corners of the bar, sipping wine coolers and keeping to themselves. Cougars aren’t always predatory – some are downright charming – but party too hard around the wrong Cougar and you might find yourself up for the most awkward walk of shame in history.
A cousin of the OPPLI-75, the Cougar (or in her male form, the Manther) stalks through the club, looking for unsuspecting young’uns to devour. Cougars are usually heterosexual women while Manthers are typically gay or bi men. They can usually be seen in the dark corners of the bar, sipping wine coolers and keeping to themselves. Cougars aren’t always predatory – some are downright charming – but party too hard around the wrong Cougar and you might find yourself up for the most awkward walk of shame in history.
4.
The Person You’re Pretty Sure You’ve Seen in
Porn
This sexy guy or girl will have you squinting across the club, wondering why they look so damn familiar. Surrounded by other hotties, this person is total eye candy and they know it. Before you make an ass of yourself by approaching and asking them if you’ve hooked up before, you realize quickly that you have seen this guy or girl before – on Redtube. For some people, this is a total turnoff. For others, it’s a sort of Try Before You Buy.
This sexy guy or girl will have you squinting across the club, wondering why they look so damn familiar. Surrounded by other hotties, this person is total eye candy and they know it. Before you make an ass of yourself by approaching and asking them if you’ve hooked up before, you realize quickly that you have seen this guy or girl before – on Redtube. For some people, this is a total turnoff. For others, it’s a sort of Try Before You Buy.
5.
The Huge Group of Girls
The Huge Group of Girls is among the most common sights in straight and gay clubs alike. They come in a multitude of sizes, shapes, ethnicities, and sexualities. The Huge Group of Girls may seem like a group of individuals but are actually a hive-mind. They are almost as loud and obnoxious as Bros – some club anthropologists have even speculated that the Group of Girls and the Bros are closely related species. Another form of the Huge Group of Girls, and nearly identical in behavior, is the Huge Group of Twinks. For more information about the Huge Group of Girls, please take a moment to watch the following short documentary:
The Huge Group of Girls is among the most common sights in straight and gay clubs alike. They come in a multitude of sizes, shapes, ethnicities, and sexualities. The Huge Group of Girls may seem like a group of individuals but are actually a hive-mind. They are almost as loud and obnoxious as Bros – some club anthropologists have even speculated that the Group of Girls and the Bros are closely related species. Another form of the Huge Group of Girls, and nearly identical in behavior, is the Huge Group of Twinks. For more information about the Huge Group of Girls, please take a moment to watch the following short documentary:
6.
The Out-of-Place BDSM Dude
No one knows this guy or where he came from. He just showed up at the club in his leather and chains and started walking nonchalantly around. There are separate scenes where BDSM dudes, dudettes, and everyone in between are typical sights (i.e. goth clubs, fetish clubs, etc.) but there are always one or two that seem to get their kicks strutting around a bar where they look as out of place as a beach volleyball team in Reykjavik.
No one knows this guy or where he came from. He just showed up at the club in his leather and chains and started walking nonchalantly around. There are separate scenes where BDSM dudes, dudettes, and everyone in between are typical sights (i.e. goth clubs, fetish clubs, etc.) but there are always one or two that seem to get their kicks strutting around a bar where they look as out of place as a beach volleyball team in Reykjavik.
7.
The Girl Who Looks Like She’s Melting
Is she sweating? Is she crying? Did she just swim her way through the dollar shots? No one knows for sure how she got so wet, but give her plenty of room or you’ll have mascara blots all over your favorite top.
Is she sweating? Is she crying? Did she just swim her way through the dollar shots? No one knows for sure how she got so wet, but give her plenty of room or you’ll have mascara blots all over your favorite top.
Fig. 2 - The Girl Who Looks Like She's Melting, complete
with caked-on makeup and streaky bronzer.
with caked-on makeup and streaky bronzer.
8.
The Creepy Fetish Guy
Closely related to the Out-of-Place BDSM Dude, Creepy Fetish Guy isn’t wearing kinky clothes. He looks completely typical. But watch out – when you dance with him, he’ll start sniffing your armpits.
Closely related to the Out-of-Place BDSM Dude, Creepy Fetish Guy isn’t wearing kinky clothes. He looks completely typical. But watch out – when you dance with him, he’ll start sniffing your armpits.
9.
The Wannabe Stripper
Classic. Often a Bro or a member of a Huge Group of Girls (or if you’re really unlucky, the Older Person Partying Like it’s 1975), after several shots this guy or girl is suddenly showing skin like they’re getting paid to strip. Once they’ve been liquored up enough, they will seek out the closest elevated space – a table, a speaker, the stage, a pole, the bar – and start chucking off clothes.
Classic. Often a Bro or a member of a Huge Group of Girls (or if you’re really unlucky, the Older Person Partying Like it’s 1975), after several shots this guy or girl is suddenly showing skin like they’re getting paid to strip. Once they’ve been liquored up enough, they will seek out the closest elevated space – a table, a speaker, the stage, a pole, the bar – and start chucking off clothes.
10. The
“Trying-to-get-Laid” Person
Mess. A desperate sex-starved maniac that will use any means necessary to find a Mr. or Ms. Right Now. They come in all genders, sizes, sexualities, and ethnicities and are consistently awkward in all their variations. Usually harmless – will creep on you, buying you drinks and dancing near you while grinning a creepy, desperate grin.
Mess. A desperate sex-starved maniac that will use any means necessary to find a Mr. or Ms. Right Now. They come in all genders, sizes, sexualities, and ethnicities and are consistently awkward in all their variations. Usually harmless – will creep on you, buying you drinks and dancing near you while grinning a creepy, desperate grin.
Fig. 3 - The "Trying-to-get-Laid" Person with a typical pick-up tactic.
However, some Trying-to-get-Laid People can get nasty in their lust, resorting to ass grabbing, surprise grinding, and roofies. Keep your drink where you can see it and watch Jenna Marbles’s How To Avoid Talking To People You Don’t Want to Talk To (seen below) for more tips:
Who is she? She is sometimes a garishly dressed woman, more often a drag queen; she’s bold, beautiful, and covered in sparkley shit. This ethereal apparition glides about the club as if it is hers (and it probably is). She is flawless and majestic. Don’t fuck with her – she is more than your match, and she’s already had more whiskey sours than years you’ve been alive. The Fabulous Femme didn’t get to her club royalty status by being a pushover.
12. The Drunk Mess
Whoops! I threw up all over the dance
floor. My bad! I tipped my beer down your best shirt. Sorry! I peed in the
bathroom sink. Except, the Drunk Mess has NO CLUE of the destruction he or she has
unleashed upon the club and is therefore beyond apologies. Inhibitions,
manners, speech abilities, basic motor skills – gone. Like a lovable, touchy-feely
zombie minus the brain-eating undead part.
13. The
Discreet Local Politician
You know this guy. During the day, he panders for votes by denouncing homosexuality and warning the world of the impending apocalypse because women can vote. At night, he panders for dick in the far stall of a dirty bar bathroom while his children and wife think he’s up at the country club playing poker (but not gambling, of course, praise Jesus). The Discreet Local Politician is a nasty slut (which isn’t a bad thing), but he’s a nasty self-hating hypocritical slut, which makes him something to be pitied. The only awesome thing about this guy is the look on his face in the grainy photo of the inevitable front page exposé.
You know this guy. During the day, he panders for votes by denouncing homosexuality and warning the world of the impending apocalypse because women can vote. At night, he panders for dick in the far stall of a dirty bar bathroom while his children and wife think he’s up at the country club playing poker (but not gambling, of course, praise Jesus). The Discreet Local Politician is a nasty slut (which isn’t a bad thing), but he’s a nasty self-hating hypocritical slut, which makes him something to be pitied. The only awesome thing about this guy is the look on his face in the grainy photo of the inevitable front page exposé.
14. The
Pair (or Group) of People Eating Each Other’s Faces
Classic. With a slurpy-slurp here and a grabby-grab there, these folks are good and busy. They can pop up anywhere: in dark corners, on the dance floor, in the bathroom. Technique, tact, and modesty are long gone. One or both of them might actually be eating the other’s face and you wouldn’t know it between the loud wub-wub dance music and all the flashing lights and smoke. The Face Eaters give zero fucks about PDA norms - in fact, some of the most extreme among them will not hesitate to move right on past making out and start up some sexy time in front of a crowd of strangers (especially if one or more of them are People You've Seen In Porn). Best to let them be – one or both/all of them could be a Drunk Mess in disguise, just waiting for the right person to projectile vomit on.
15. The People You Don’t Actually See Because They’re Outside Smoking
Classic. With a slurpy-slurp here and a grabby-grab there, these folks are good and busy. They can pop up anywhere: in dark corners, on the dance floor, in the bathroom. Technique, tact, and modesty are long gone. One or both of them might actually be eating the other’s face and you wouldn’t know it between the loud wub-wub dance music and all the flashing lights and smoke. The Face Eaters give zero fucks about PDA norms - in fact, some of the most extreme among them will not hesitate to move right on past making out and start up some sexy time in front of a crowd of strangers (especially if one or more of them are People You've Seen In Porn). Best to let them be – one or both/all of them could be a Drunk Mess in disguise, just waiting for the right person to projectile vomit on.
15. The People You Don’t Actually See Because They’re Outside Smoking
Club anthropologists have long disputed as to whether or not the Outside People are simply a myth, but they exist. These mysterious creatures spend almost all their time shivering outside near the door, glancing around with bored expressions while they occasionally
take a drag on their American Spirit cigarettes. Why on earth they paid the $10
cover to buy one drink and then stand outside the whole night is beyond
comprehension. The nice thing about the Outside People is their incidental role
as potential witnesses to unpleasant lurkers like muggers and rapists, so long
as they can witness anything through their hazy cloud of smoke.
Fig. 4 - The Outside People in their characteristic cloud of smoke.
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You've probably been one or several of these people. I've definitely been a couple of these before. No shame. Clubs are meant for asshattery. In the meantime, stay safe and party hard.
Bonus Drinking Game: take a drink every time you see one of the above-mentioned people the next time you're in the club. I guarantee you will end up the Drunk Mess.
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