Shit My Students Say

My kids say the funniest shit ever. I don't need a social life anymore. My kids are starting to fill that social void. I'm simultaneously saddened by this and love it at the same time.

And, now, for Shit My Students Say.

D. S., 8th grade
"I never believed in Santa Claus. Ain't no fat white man taking credit for all the hard work my momma does."

T. B., 12th grade
"Mr. Kohfeld, we're going to start bringing you cookies so you're not so angry all the time."

K. H., 10th grade
"Do you like McDonald's?"
(me) "No."
"How about Burger King?"
"No."
"What about Wendy's?"
"Nope. Makes me sick."
"Aww! What about Church's Chicken?"
"Mmm, I love Church's."
"Ooooh Mr. Kohfeld loves him some fried chicken! I do too! Mr. Kohfeld, some time you and me are gonna go to Church's and just eff up a bag of chicken."

C. J., 11th grade
In singsong, every time he pisses me off: "You know you looooove me, you know you looooove me, you know you loooooove me..." I can never stay angry.

Various students, 7th-12th grade
"Mr. Kohfeld, can I go to the bathroom?"
"No. Go get your instrument out."

"Mr. Kohfeld, can I get a pass to the library?"
"No. Go get your instrument out."

"Mr. Kohfeld, can we have a free day today?"
"No. Go get your instrument out."

"Hi Mr. Kohfeld! Did you have a nice weekend?"
"No. Go get your instrument out."


D. H. and L. H., 9th grade (twins)
"Mr. Kohfeld! The Twilight movie comes out tonight! Are you gonna go see it?"
"No. Go get your instrument out."
"Mr Kohfeld, you funny! Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?"
"I'm Team Go Get Your Instrument Out."

M. P., 9th grade
"Can I pass off my experts?" (she can't pronounce "excerpts"...)

L. L., 7th grade
"This piece doesn't sound right."
(me) "No it's right, you're playing that part correctly."
"It just doesn't sound right. It's not right."
"No...that's right. That's how Bach wrote it."
"Well Bach didn't know what he was doing."

J. T., 9th grade
"I'm biracial. I'm white, black, Mexican, and Indian."
(me) "That could be thought of as four different races/ethnicities. 'Bi-' implies 'two.'"
"Oh. So I guess I'm bi-bi-racial."

to be continued